


I have lived with shades, a shade

by Lise



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (sort of), Awesome Wanda Maximoff, Character Death In Dream, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I feel like there's gotta be an AO3 tag for this, Loki's a goddamn mess, Magical Mystery Tour Through Loki's Brain, Mental Health Issues, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, The Raft Prison (Marvel), Tumblr Prompt, there's a lot going on here, this isn't going to be canon but when is what i write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8145365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: The Raft isn't new. It's been used for others before. 
The Avengers find out where Loki's been for four years. He's not in great shape. Wanda, of all people, is going to do something about this, and Steve is along for the ride.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, an anon left me a prompt...a while ago, for fic where Loki ended up in the Raft prison post-Avengers, and was found there during the prison break at the end of Civil War. I started there and ended up going somewhere very different for 17,000 words. The flippant summary for this fic (I have one of those for everything I write) is "Wanda and Steve on a magical mystery tour through Loki's brain" and that is honestly the more accurate summary of what this fic is about. Also an excuse to write a lot of dream sequences.
> 
> But getting to write Wanda saving the day was hella fun, too. 
> 
> A huge thank you to my wonderful beta [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com) for her unending support. My [tumblr](veliseraptor.tumblr.com) is the best place to find me on the internet if you want to ask questions, chat, or validate me as a human being. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Steve noticed something odd glancing over the map of the Raft: another level even under where Wanda was being held (in solitary, and the security cam footage of her huddled in a corner, in a _straightjacket_ and _shock collar_ made anger seethe under his skin). The sub-sub-level seemed to only have the one cell, surrounded by three - four? - layers of security. Steve frowned at the map. He flipped through the feeds again, aware that they needed to move but at the same time - he didn’t like the looks of what he was seeing. But he couldn’t find any feed corresponding to the level. 

He couldn’t wait any longer. The information still nagged at him, itching at the back of his brain, because based on what he’d seen so far, if Ross was keeping something down there (or maybe just making plans to keep something), it seemed like it might be kind of important to know. They didn’t have a lot of time, though, and if it was nothing…

Steve’s internal debate lasted until they reached Wanda (Steve could almost hear Clint’s teeth grind as he very nearly shoved Steve out of the way to undo her restraints and pick open the collar). Then Wanda lifted her head and said, her eyes bruised looking, “there’s someone underneath me.”

Clint jerked, and Steve caught his quick, worried glance toward Sam even as his own stomach clenched. “What?” He asked. “You mean, someone a level down? How do you know?” 

Wanda’s arms stayed wrapped around herself even with the straitjacket removed. “I can feel it,” she said. “I don’t know how to explain more than that.” Clint looked uneasy, and Steve cleared his throat. 

“There is another level,” he said. “I saw it on the maps, but I assumed it was probably empty. Looked like Ross was containing something with pretty heavy security.”

“Someone,” Wanda said, her eyes turning to him, voice sharpening a little. Steve was almost relieved to see a little fire. “And we’re not leaving them here.”

“We don’t know who it could be,” Sam said. “They might not be on our side.” 

Wanda’s nostrils flared. “I know that they are suffering. Is that not enough? You’ve seen what General Ross is willing to do.” She gestured at herself. “You are willing to subject someone else to that because they may be an enemy?” 

“She has a point,” Scott said. Clint looked pained and Sam shot him a look. Steve breathed out harshly. 

“Wanda’s right,” he said, before anyone else could start arguing. “We should at least check it out. Clint, you and Wanda get out of here-”

“No,” said Wanda vehemently, and Clint shook his head too. Steve thought about pushing, but he didn’t think it would get him anywhere. 

“Right,” Sam said, a little dry. “Guess we’re all going.”

* * *

Three checkpoints and three security systems later (one of which, Scott informed them, was supposed to flood with water if the wrong code was entered, another that would be pumped full of gas without the proper clearance card, and Steve was starting to get very nervous) they were facing what Steve remembered would be the door into the cell itself. All of them were tense, Scott muttering to himself as he picked at wiring until Wanda pushed him out of the way and did - something. Whatever it was, the light went green and there was a loud _ka-chunk_ of something disengaging, a whir of gears, and the door started to roll back. The door, which was apparently solid metal a foot thick. 

Sam whistled lowly. “Nobody rush in,” Steve warned. 

The cell itself was maybe ten paces across, maybe less, and utterly bare of furniture - or much of anything else. There was a faint smell of disinfectant or bleach, and once the door stopped moving it was utterly quiet. Dead quiet. 

In the empty space, the body on the floor stuck out. That was how Steve thought of it, _the body,_ because it didn’t look living: slumped in a graceless heap of limbs, back to them, not so much as twitching though the sound of the door opening hadn’t been quiet. Steve took a cautious step forward, but Wanda moved first, slipping past him and walking toward the body, suddenly a great deal more sure of herself. Steve followed her quickly, noticing that there were some kind of restraints on the prisoner’s ankles, and what he’d taken for a white shirt was another straitjacket. His - and he did seem male - hair had been shaved, leaving fine black stubble that had just started to grow out.

“Hello?” Wanda said, her steps faltering, sounding suddenly uncertain as she drew close. 

“Wanda,” Steve said slowly, about to try to tell her that it looked like, whoever he’d been, he’d died, but then he realized that he could make out very slow, very shallow breathing. Wanda gave his shoulder a gentle shake and he moved with it, limp and unresponsive, but Steve got a good look at his face and reached sharply for Wanda. “Get back-”

The words died halfway through, though, taking in further wrongness. It was Loki, he was sure of that, but he looked...diminished. And sick, pale with bruise dark circles around his eyes, lips bloodless and cracked, breathing far too slow to be natural. The lack of furnishing - no bed, not even a mattress - and he could see now, a collar like Wanda’s, though Steve had to wonder what the voltage was on Loki’s. 

“Is that, um,” Scott said. Clint’s response was less delicate. Steve crouched down next to Wanda. 

“This is...who you heard?” He asked, carefully. “What did he say to you?” And _how,_ was the other question. 

Wanda shook her head. “It wasn’t...speaking. When they.” She swallowed hard. “When they drugged me, I could feel...it was like a dream, but I knew it wasn’t. He...helped. Comforted me. You know him,” she said. It wasn’t a question. 

“Sort of,” Steve said. “This is Loki.” Wanda jerked, so he guessed she knew the name, but she didn’t pull away. Steve took a deep breath, braced himself, and rubbed his knuckles down Loki’s sternum. Nothing. 

“Steve,” Sam said, “we need to go.” 

“We’re leaving him here, right?” Clint said. Steve looked at Wanda, who was frowning, and then at the cell around them, and then at Loki, apparently comatose, a sinking feeling in his stomach. No bed. He supposed maybe you might think it was unnecessary for a prisoner who couldn’t complain. Wasn’t like there was anyone holding _Ross_ accountable. 

Dammit, he couldn’t.

* * *

Whatever they’d drugged Loki with, it was potent. If it _was_ a drug, it occurred to Steve belatedly, and not that they’d found some other way of shutting him down. He was already thinking about how they were going to get in touch with Thor, and telling him that Loki was in an indefinite coma would be a lot worse than telling him the government had been keeping Loki possibly continuously unconscious for four years.

Four years, Steve thought again, and wanted to wince. Though apparently there was enough consciousness there of some kind to reach Wanda, and Steve wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. At least, he thought selfishly, Loki being dead unconscious meant he wasn’t fighting back, which would have been a rather significant problem. 

It was an understatement to say that T’Challa wasn’t thrilled, though. Steve half expected him to turn them all out. Why he didn’t...Steve wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just that he figured it would be better to have Loki where he could keep an eye on him.

Wanda refused to leave while a medical team examined Loki, which made Clint edgy. Steve exchanged a glance with Sam, who turned to put his arm around Clint’s shoulders and draw him away, Scott trailing after them. Loki hadn’t moved or responded at all, not even a flicker under his eyelids. Steve saw one of the nurses hold a hand over his face, checking for breath, and could understand why. 

The records for brain activity came back...weird, but it was hard to say how much of that was due to Loki not being human and how much was something actually wrong with him. But there was still activity, anyway, of some kind, though apparently his vital signs were dangerously low. 

But he was still alive, at least for now. That was either a blessing or a danger, depending on how you looked at it. 

Of course, Loki was far from the only thing they had to deal with. There was getting all the new arrivals settled – Clint and Sam and Scott and Wanda, making sure they had rooms and were at least…comfortable enough. Clint and Scott seemed to have bonded, a little. Sam skirted the edge of saying something unforgivably rude to T’Challa but so far stayed away from it. Wanda…was too quiet. It worried him, and he knew it worried Clint, too. In some ways she’d gotten the worst of it. After all, she was the _weapon of mass destruction,_ though he still couldn’t believe those words had actually come out of Tony’s mouth. 

And there was Bucky, who didn’t love the fact that they’d brought back a dangerous and unpredictable if currently unconscious alien back to their safe haven. 

“I couldn’t just leave him there,” Steve said. “Even if it weren’t important to Wanda…”

Bucky’s jaw shifted in a way that Steve read as _then you should’ve shot him._ He wondered if the Bucky he’d known before would’ve thought the same thing, and then felt guilty for wondering. “She’s a kid, Steve. You don’t let a kid bring a rabid animal home.” 

“I know it’s dangerous,” Steve said. “She knows it’s dangerous, T’Challa knows. But I _couldn’t._ And he might not even…might never wake up, or might wake up damaged—”

“Or wake up pissed off at the whole planet and everyone on it,” Bucky countered. 

“What do you want me to do?” Steve demanded, but Bucky just twisted his lips and walked away. Steve held back the urge to run after him. Bucky’d been testy since they’d come back from the Raft, tense and moody and closed off, and Steve couldn’t figure out how to get him to talk. He could only hope that Buck would come to him eventually.

When Steve went to check on Loki’s status, he found Wanda already there, sitting with her eyes closed and her eyebrows furrowed. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

“Trying to see if I can do whatever he was doing, contacting me. Maybe it’s not something that works when I’m awake, though.” She sighed, opening her eyes. After a moment, Steve pulled up another chair and sat down beside her. 

“This is important to you,” he said slowly. Wanda looked down, fingers twisting together. 

“It is. That prison, what they did to me - it was like a nightmare.” Her accent thickened slightly. “Before...with Hydra. I always had Pietro. But there I was alone. Except…” she gestured at Loki. “Then I wasn’t. I didn’t know anything except that they were desperate and afraid, but it meant I wasn’t on my own.” 

_Desperate and afraid._ Steve looked at Loki’s face, which looked perfectly placid, slack: neither of those things. “And he didn’t say anything to you that you can remember?” 

She shook her head. Steve blew out a breath through his nose. “I’m sorry,” she said, but Steve gave her a quick, if weak, smile. 

“You don’t need to be.” 

“I’m not sure he even knew I was real,” she said after a moment. “I got the impression that...he didn’t quite think I was.” Wanda sighed. “Do you think I am being foolish?” 

“Why?” 

“Because he is…” Wanda gestured. “Bad. That was all very distant for me, and he certainly does not seem...but I know that is not the case for you, or the others.” 

Steve sighed. “I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said eventually. Wanda glanced at him with a sad smile. 

“It is too late for that, Steve,” she said. “Besides, everyone gets hurt sometimes. My mother used to say that it was just a matter of picking yourself up again. Or accepting a hand if you need one.” 

“I know you’re not helpless,” he said. “But he’s...I don’t know.” He looked at Loki, still breathing slow and shallow, chest barely moving. “I made the call to take him out. In the end, if something goes wrong, that’s on me, not you.” 

“I don’t know,” Wanda said after a long moment. “It felt like...I don’t know.” She looked down at Loki, eyebrows knitted together. “I feel sorry for him. Is that wrong?” 

“I think it probably just means you have a good heart.” Steve gave her shoulder a squeeze. 

“Is that a kind way of saying that I am being silly?” Wanda asked, though she sounded a little less serious. Steve shook his head. 

“It means exactly what I said.” Even knowing what she could do, how well Wanda could defend herself, it was hard to quell the urge to want to shield her. But Wanda was smart, and capable. And, despite everything, kind. He didn’t want to be the one to discourage that quality. Wanda gave him a very small smile. 

“Thank you, Steve.” She looked back at Loki, smile fading. “I just wish I could think of a way to help.”

“Wanda,” Steve said slowly. “You know no one here thinks of you as…dangerous. Or not more dangerous than anyone else. No one’s _scared_ of you.” 

Wanda looked down at her lap. “I’m not trying to prove anything,” she said. “That isn’t why this matters.”

_Isn’t it, maybe, a little?_ Steve thought, but he just nodded. “All right.”

* * *

Steve found out what had been bothering Bucky a couple days later. Loki’s status hadn’t changed, and some of the initial edginess had died down. Steve wondered if Clint in particular was just tolerating it for Wanda’s sake. 

But Bucky…

“You have to put me back under,” he said. He stood there, feet planted like he was ready for a fight, no feeling in his voice. Steve stared at him, for several seconds not understanding what Bucky was saying. 

“Back under?” He said blankly. Bucky’s jaw shifted. 

“On ice,” he said. “I’m a liability. We don’t know what HYDRA left in my head, what control words are out there. So.”

_Now_ Steve was starting to get it. His stomach dropped to his feet. “Buck - no. That’s not - _no._ ”

“You got another idea?” One of Bucky’s shoulders twitched up. “I’ve thought it through. The way I am now, anyone with the right codes can use me.”

“ _If_ that happens,” Steve argued, “we can deal with it. We’ve managed before-”

“I’m not just thinking of you and your people,” Bucky interrupted. “I’m thinking of _me._ How do you think it feels, knowing that at any time someone could just yank a leash and-” He cut off. Steve’s chest felt tight, like he couldn’t take a full breath. 

“Then we’ll think of something else. Wanda-”

“Says she’s never done anything like that. And I’m sorry, but I don’t really - _like_ the idea of someone fumbling around in my head who doesn’t know what she’s doing.” Bucky’s head turned to the side, avoiding Steve’s gaze. “I’m not stupid, Steve. This isn’t my first choice. But I don’t have another one right now.” 

“Right now,” Steve said, knowing he was grasping at straws but not willing to just _give up._ “Wakanda’s science is incredibly advanced. If we ask, maybe-”

“Steve,” Bucky said, his voice strained, “maybe you could _not_ argue with me about this? I haven’t got to make a whole lot of choices recently. Let me have this one.” 

Steve opened his mouth, and then made himself close it. His stomach twisted into knots, Peggy’s words flashing into his head, _allow Barnes the dignity of his choice._ This wasn’t the same, Steve thought, but it was, wasn’t it? It wasn’t his choice to make. It was Bucky’s. He could hate it, but that didn’t mean he could make Bucky do what _he’d_ want instead. Or maybe he could, but it wouldn’t be right. 

He felt himself slump. “Are you sure?” He asked, and almost winced at the pathetic, pleading note in his voice. Bucky walked over slowly and sat down next to him. 

“Sorry,” he said. Steve bit the inside of his cheek, eyes burning. _I just got you back,_ he wanted to say. _It’s not fair._

“You don’t need to apologize,” he mumbled instead. 

“Everything’s already set up,” he said. “Whenever I’m...we’re ready. You don’t...have to watch, though. If you don’t want to.”

“No,” Steve said immediately. “I want to be there. I don’t want you to do this alone. And I won’t - I’m gonna find a way to fix this, and get you out.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, with a faint shadow of a smile. “I know you’ll keep trying.”

Steve took a deep, shuddering breath, barely clinging to his composure. _It isn’t fair,_ he thought again. Not to Bucky, and not to _him._ Couldn’t he, just once-

He cut that off. “Not just trying,” he said. “Okay? So don’t get too comfortable.” He swiped at one eye. 

“Here comes Captain America,” Bucky said, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Steve wondered if he was scared. He would be. Was. _It’s not forever,_ he told himself. _Not even seventy years, not this time._ That felt hollow. 

“Not Captain America,” Steve said. “Just Steve Rogers.”

“That punk,” Bucky said. He blinked once, slowly, shoulder butting a little into Steve’s. “Nothing to worry about, then.”

They sat there, quiet, for a long time. 

* * *

It was over. Hadn’t taken much more than thirty minutes to put Bucky back under, and he’d made himself watch every second, eyes burning but refusing to blink. 

And now he was on his own. 

That wasn’t fair, and he knew it wasn’t fair, but some part of him still felt it. Peggy and Bucky had been the last remaining pieces of his old life, and Peggy was gone for good and now, just when he’d thought he might get Bucky back, he was gone too. No matter how much he cared about his friends now…that wound still ached. 

He knew Bucky would probably roll his eyes at Steve now, sitting alone and staring at nothing. _Quit moping and get off your ass._ But Steve was just…tired. Bruised.

Wanda burst in, breathing hard, and Steve jerked up hastily, lifting his head. “Wanda? What is-”

“I felt something,” she said urgently. “I _almost_ had it, I was so close-” Steve stared at her blankly, and Wanda exhaled loudly. “Loki,” she said impatiently. “Just for a second, he was there. I felt it, and then I reached and - but I can do it, I know I can, I just have to find a way to get deeper.” 

Steve stared at her, his brain moving sluggishly, wheels sticky with melancholy. “What do you mean, deeper,” he said, finally. 

“I mean that - people, normally, their thoughts are here,” Wanda said, holding a hand at the level of her eyes. “Just under the surface, like fish in shallow water. But Loki is-” She dropped her hand and bent, hand now at the level of her knees. “Where the water is dark and it’s harder for me to reach. Which was why I couldn’t, until now, I think. Because for just a second - I was in the right place at the right time to catch a glimpse. But I don’t think he can find a way out.” 

For a second that image caught in Steve’s brain and he thought of drowning. His shoulders seized up, but- “Or else is - is choosing not to,” Steve said slowly. It wasn’t something he would expect, but maybe - they had no way of knowing what had happened to Loki between the invasion and now. People did that, he knew. Retreated into themselves and just...stopped. 

Wanda’s lips pressed together. “Either way. I am not going to just - leave him there.” 

“Wanda-” Steve broke off. He could understand feeling sympathy, but this strange _protective_ streak...he wondered if Loki _had_ done something. Planted something in her head to make her help him. “Maybe it’s better,” he said, thinking of Bucky, how unfair it would be if Bucky had to be frozen for everyone’s safety and _Loki-_ “Safer, and-”

Wanda looked genuinely shocked. “Do you really think so?” she asked, a slight edge to her tone. 

Steve frowned. “He’s out of the Raft,” he said. “So no one’s hurting him, and if he stays asleep no one’s _being_ hurt.”

Shaking her head hard, Wanda took a step forward. “I don’t think it is like sleep, Steve,” she said. “Or at least, not peaceful. I think it is more like - a dream you can’t wake from. That just keeps going. I don’t...even just touching minds briefly…” She pressed her lips together. “I know some of what that is like. I would not wish it on anyone else.” 

Steve looked at her a moment longer, then gave up and dropped his head into his hands, rubbing his temples. “And what happens if he wakes up in something other than a peaceful mood?”

Wanda raised her hand, red swirling around her fingers. “I am not helpless, myself,” she said, with a touch of ferocity. “And I will be in his mind.”

Steve slumped. He could feel Wanda watching him, almost breathless, and some part of him thought _but if it works with Loki maybe she can…_ “Okay,” he said reluctantly. “Okay. What do you...need?” 

“I think - an anchor,” Wanda said. “To keep me from getting lost. Someone who can guide me back if need be. Pietro used to…” she trailed off, something deep and hurt flashing across her face before she shook herself. “I was going to ask if you would.” 

“Me?” Steve shifted. “Why?” 

Wanda chewed her lip. “You are...more grounded. And I know you, and...trust you. Clint...can’t, and you’ve dealt with Loki before - Sam hasn’t.” Steve hesitated, but maybe it would help take his mind off things, and...let him keep an eye on Wanda, too. Wanda and Loki. 

It was something to do other than sit around feeling sorry for himself, at the very least.

“All right,” he said slowly. “What…would I need to do?”

Wanda slumped with relief. “Not much,” she said. “For you…it should not be too much of a strain. We would be…linked, but it is not as though I would know your thoughts, or you mine. You would just be a sort of…link, from me to the world, and help to draw me back if I stray too far.” 

“And I don’t need to have any kind of…training, to be able to do that?” 

“No,” Wanda said. “Pietro didn’t.” She hesitated, only a moment. “You are certain you are willing to do this? I know…”

“I’m sure, Wanda,” Steve said, dredging up a smile. “This is important to you. If you’re going to do it, I want to help keep you safe.”

Wanda hugged him, to Steve’s faint surprise. He patted her back a bit awkwardly. “Thank you,” she said. “And I’m – I’m sorry. About…your friend.”

Steve swallowed hard. “We’ll find a way to get him back.”

“If there’s anything I can think of to do, I will,” Wanda said. “I promise.”

* * *

Predictably, no one liked the idea very much. Steve decided to be the one to break the news, though almost as soon as Clint opened his mouth to object, Wanda jumped in to say it was _her_ idea and _her_ decision. 

“Wanda,” Clint said, his voice strained. “You’ve gotta understand this isn’t a good idea.”

Wanda’s chin lifted. “I know what I am doing.” 

“Do you?” Sam murmured, but under his breath. Steve glanced at him, and he raised his eyebrows. “And you’re on board with this?” 

“I’m just going to be supporting Wanda,” Steve said. “Making sure she’s safe.” 

“Can he get in your head? Reverse what you’re trying to do?” Clint asked, a line between his eyebrows. 

“No,” Wanda said firmly. “It does not work like that.” She looked directly at Clint, then, the stubborn set of her mouth easing a little. “Trust me.” 

Clint didn’t look happy, but he didn’t argue, either. Sam approached Steve after, his expression dubious. 

“You really think waking up the sleeping alien is a good idea?” He asked. Steve exhaled. 

“I don’t know,” he said honestly, after a quick glance to make sure they were alone. “But I don’t think Wanda’s going to back down, and…maybe it’s better to be on top of this. Control when and how Loki wakes up.”

Sam’s expression was shrewd. “So this isn’t just you diving headfirst into a risky situation because you’re grieving,” he said. Steve tried not to wince. 

“No,” he said firmly. _I’m pretty sure._ “This isn’t that.”

“If you say so,” Sam said, but he let the subject drop. 

When the time actually came, Steve was surprised by how simple it was. It was just him and Wanda, and she took a seat next to the bed where Loki was lying, his state unchanged except for his hair grown out to black fuzz.

“What do I need to do?” Steve asked, hands balled into fists in his lap and trying not to look nervous. By the way Wanda fidgeted he guessed she was trying to hide her own, and he couldn’t decide if that made him feel better or worse.

“Close your eyes,” she instructed. Steve closed them, and waited. And waited. 

“Should I be-”

“Shh,” Wanda said, sounding distracted. Steve closed his mouth and tried not to fidget. 

He felt it, when it happened. It was surprisingly subtle, just a feeling like something clicking, linking, the clasp of a necklace coming together. He could…feel Wanda, in a strange way – not sense her thoughts, or anything, but like she was standing next to him and he knew exactly where she was. 

“Is this all right?” Wanda asked, sounding almost shy. 

Steve took a deep breath and let it out. “It’s a little weird. But not…bad.” 

“All right.” He felt Wanda sit down. “I’m going to try to reach Loki now. Just…don’t let the link break. And stay calm.”

_Stay calm._ Steve focused on keeping his breathing steady, wondering if he would feel anything when it happened. Several seconds seemed to pass. He heard Wanda make a sort of ‘hm’ sound under her breath. 

Then, very suddenly, something shifted. “Oh,” he heard Wanda say, and opened his eyes – only to freeze. The room looked…strange. Wobbly, like he was seeing it through water. 

“Wanda?” Steve said uncertainly. 

“It’s fine,” she said. “I just…have to be a little deeper than I thought. I’m close, I _know_ I’m close…”

“Wanda,” Steve said. He could feel it, a tug on the chain, a peculiar pull on his sternum. “I think you should pull back.” 

“Pull back?” Wanda’s voice echoed peculiarly. “But…”

“Something seems…odd,” he said. 

“Wait,” Wanda said. “There’s something…” 

One second he was on solid footing, and the next gravity seemed to take over, or _something,_ the ground crumbling under his feet. He heard Wanda cry out. “Wanda!” he shouted, trying to pull her toward him, but then they were both falling, plummeting down through blackness. Falling, falling-

Steve blinked and jerked. For a second he couldn’t see a damn thing, but a few seconds later he just made up Wanda, sitting up though neither of them seemed to actually be sitting _on_ anything. Just black and more black, as far as he could see. He hadn’t actually felt any impact, either - it was like a hypnic jerk, like he’d just caught himself. But it was obvious that he hadn’t. 

“Wanda?” He said. His voice echoed oddly. 

“Oh, no,” she said. “Steve, I’m so sorry-”

“What happened?” He asked, interrupting her before she could head into a spiral of guilt. Wanda shook her head. 

“I don’t know. I was reaching, and it seemed so _close_ but then...it was like something grabbed me and _pulled_ and I didn’t have time to pull back. And I’ve dragged you down with me-”

“Dragged me down where?” Steve asked, but he had a sense he already knew. 

“Loki’s mind,” Wanda said miserably, and Steve looked at the black all around them and thought _doesn’t look like there’s anyone here._ He thought his heart would be racing, if he had one, his skin prickling, but apparently sensation didn’t extend to...whatever he was right now. A ghost? 

“How do we get out?” He asked. 

Wanda stared out, her expression unhappy. “Find Loki and convince him to come back,” she said. “I don’t know any other way, not with you here too. Steve…” 

Steve felt a momentary stab of fear, but he pushed it down and squared his shoulders. “All right,” he said, trying to make himself smile for her. “I guess we’ll just do that, then.” He turned in a circle. “Which way? Maybe if we start walking…”

Even as he said it, though, something flashed in the distance, splitting the dark for just a second, something like lightning. 

“That way, maybe?” Wanda said, looking toward Steve with a weak smile. He tried to return it, and followed her as she squared her shoulders and set off into the dark. 

* * *

The change, when it came, came abruptly. One second they were walking through pitch black darkness, oppressive and total, and the next they were standing on a windy plain of ice, the sky over them the color of dusk. It stretched out, blank and featureless, to where jagged spikes like sharp mountains stabbed up toward the sky on the horizon. Steve braced for the chill, but despite the surroundings he didn’t feel any cold. He looked at Wanda, bewildered, but she was just scanning back and forth. 

“What is it?” He asked. 

“He’s here,” she said. “Somewhere.” A pause. “I think.” 

“Where?” Steve asked, looking more closely, and more warily, at their surroundings. 

“I’m not sure.” Wanda frowned. “It’s...maybe there?” She pointed toward what looked like the ruins of what might have once been buildings. Steve hesitated. 

“Can we get hurt here?” He asked. “I mean...will it hurt us, our real bodies?” 

“I don’t think so,” Wanda said after a moment’s pause. “But if we’re stuck too long...there’s more of a chance of not being able to get back.” 

Steve swallowed, and nodded. “Let’s go look over there, then. Good a place to start as any.” 

The ice was slippery underfoot, and Steve could hear deep cracking somewhere deep down that made his breathing come short and fast. This felt like _his_ nightmare, the saving grace that at least it wasn’t _cold._ Or, at least, he didn’t feel the cold. As they drew up on the ruined structures, it became clear that there had once been something like a city here. It had been utterly destroyed, though, looking like nothing so much as if a giant had stomped through and kicked everything over. 

Only one structure was relatively intact, and Wanda turned toward it, starting in that direction. Steve followed her. “There?” He asked, voice lowered, and she shook her head. 

“I’m not sure. I’m just...following a feeling.” 

As they drew closer, though, through the gaps in the walls Steve caught a glimpse of the first living being he’d seen other than them, and froze, grabbing for Wanda’s arm. She made a startled noise that she cut off when he gestured sharply, seeing the same thing he did. A moment later, however, she pulled her arm gently out of Steve’s grip and continued walking quietly forward. 

“Wanda, careful,” he said quietly. 

“I’m stronger than you are, here,” Wanda said, not quite tartly. She stepped through one of the gaps into the ruin. 

There wasn’t much inside - a flat floor and a slightly raised dais at one end - which made it easier to focus on the strange tableau that was. 

It took Steve a moment to recognize Loki. He looked different, sharper, something ever so slightly _wrong_ about his face, like someone had copied it from a bad memory. He was kneeling in front of that raised dais with a long knife on the ground in front of him. 

On the dais itself - a baby. Its mouth was open like it was squalling, but no sound came out, and it was - blue, skin the texture of the ice underneath its body, fine raised lines across its forehead and bright red eyes. As Steve stared, it flailed its arms, waving tiny fists in the air. Loki, on the other hand, was perfectly still. 

Steve looked at Wanda, who bit her lip and then took a small step forward. “Loki?” She said cautiously. He didn’t move, but Steve saw him blink. Wanda took another step. “It’s...I don’t know if you know me.” 

Loki’s head turned, fractionally. His eyes skated over Steve without interest, as though he was almost expected, and he frowned at Wanda, faint and a little vague. “I don’t know you.” 

Wanda seemed to slump a little. “Do you…”

“Wait,” Loki interrupted. “You were…” he trailed off, sighed. “No, it is gone. I cannot think with that _thing’s_ infernal crying.” He gestured at the baby, who continued to wail silently. Wanda pressed her lips together. 

“Crying?” 

Loki sighed. “Not for you.” He turned back away from Wanda as though abruptly losing interest, and picked up the knife. “Ah well.” 

Wanda shifted nervously. “What are you doing?” Steve asked, tensing, before he thought better of drawing attention to himself. Loki didn’t even twitch or glance at him, though. 

“Trying to figure it out,” Loki said, as though it was obvious. “There must be something I haven’t considered. I tried killing it, but it won’t die.” Steve stiffened, alarm shooting through him before he remembered that this wasn’t real, it wasn’t a _real_ baby. Loki studied the squalling infant, flipped the knife and stabbed down. 

Wanda made a sort of squeaking sound, and Steve jerked forward, but the knife stopped several inches short. Steve could see Loki’s arm straining, but nothing happened, and after a couple of seconds he pulled it away. “So you see,” he murmured. “I thought _surely_ that was the answer. Just kill it now and never…” He made a noise in the back of his throat. “And then I thought _perhaps I am supposed to die._ So I tried that, but it didn’t work either. Oh, at least I can _bleed,_ but death is more elusive.”

Steve looked at Wanda, who was staring with what looked like mingled fascination and horror.

“I tried walking away alone, walking away with that _thing,_ lying down and waiting to freeze...I begin to wonder if that isn’t the point. That there is no escape.” Loki’s lips twitched toward a smile. “I already _know_ that.”

Wanda, after a long moment, moved forward again, crouching down next to Loki. Steve made an abortive movement to reach her, but - this was why they were here, wasn’t it? 

“Why do you want to kill it?” Wanda asked. “It’s just a baby.” She reached out, and Loki’s hand snapped out with startling quickness to swat her hand away. 

“No,” he said sharply, his teeth flashing very briefly. “It isn’t. It is a little monster in waiting. That’s why it won’t die. You need a hero to kill a monster, and a hero I am very definitively _not_.” 

Wanda understood before Steve did. “That’s you,” she said, looking back at the baby. Loki’s lip curled, an expression of utter disgust twisting his distorted features. 

“Unfortunately,” he said. “Filthy little _beast._ ” He directed the last word at the baby, who suddenly closed its mouth and blinked. The baby that was Loki. Steve looked back and forth between them, something tangling in his chest. “I am never going to be free of it. The Allfather was a fool to pick you up,” Loki snapped at the baby. Himself. “It would have been a kindness to crush your skull under his boot-heel like the snake you are. _Ha._ ” He sat back. Wanda looked horrified, and Steve could sympathize. 

_He’s completely insane,_ Steve thought, but there was something almost sad about it. At the sheer savagery of Loki’s hatred directed at himself. 

“You were...abandoned?” Wanda said slowly. Loki gave her a sidelong look, as though he didn’t quite follow why she would ask, and then glanced at Steve and seemed to properly register his presence. He straightened up and Steve tensed, but then a curious smile started on his face. 

“Oh,” he said. “Oh, of course. That makes sense. _You need a hero..._ it’s so obvious.” He turned toward Steve more fully, smile widening, his expression turning almost beatific as he held the knife out to Steve. “It’s yours,” he said. “You have to do it.” 

Steve recoiled. “What? No. I’m not-”

Loki’s smile wavered and his eyes looked damp. “Do you want me to beg? I will. Please. Kill us. Or even - just me, if you will not do that thing the mercy. I cannot believe I didn’t see it before.” Loki shook his head with an odd little laugh. “Better it were Thor, but then…”

“That’s not-” Steve shook his head. “I’m not - we’re not here for-” He hadn’t taken the knife, but it was suddenly in his hand. He stared at it and tried to let go, but his fingers wouldn’t loosen. Wanda’s eyes were wide and she took a step forward.

“Don’t,” she said, but Loki ignored her, his eyes fixed on Steve, _pleading._ He smiled shakily. 

“It’s easy,” he said. “I promise. I can-” He reached up, unfastening his tunic, tugging it open to bare his chest. “Here is easiest,” he said, “between the fourth and fifth ribs, but you can probably manage enough force to break my sternum, or there’s always-”

“No,” Steve said more vehemently. “Didn’t you hear me? I’m not going to - _kill_ you.” 

“It needs to be you,” Loki said. “It needs to _end._ ” Steve took a step back, but suddenly the air felt like molasses, like something was pushing him forward, _compelling_ him. Wanda grabbed onto his arm. 

“Loki,” she said, more fiercely, digging in her heels. “Stop it. You don’t need to do this. We’re here to take you back-”

“Back?” Loki stared at her and laughed, wildly. “There is no going back. And no going forward. There is here, this, and that is _all._ And I am _finished._ Captain-” His voice choked a little, and he paused and inhaled deeply. “Do your duty.”

“Listen to me,” Steve said, but then Loki was moving, fluid and oddly graceful. His fingers wrapped around Steve’s wrist and pulled him easily free of Wanda’s grip, drawing him in close with inexorable force.

“Stop,” Wanda said, her voice rising. “Wait, you _idiot._ ”

Steve felt Loki stiffen, his breathing hitching, before he was aware of the fact that it was already over, the knife buried angled up under Loki’s ribs. Steve jerked back only a half second before Loki stumbled away from him, dropping the knife with a clatter. “Oh,” he said. “There. You see?” 

Wanda lunged forward, her expression furious, grabbing Loki’s arm. “You can’t do this,” she said. “Just - _give up._ I thought you were better than that!”

Loki smiled. The ground heaved under Steve’s feet, starting to crumble. “You should never expect anything of me, little witch,” he murmured. “I will only disappoint.” 

“Wanda,” Steve said. The ground behind them was falling away. “Wanda, what do we do-”

The ice cracked underneath him and Steve plunged down. 

* * *

“Steve. _Steve!_ ” Wanda’s voice yelling near his ear, sounding scared, jarred him awake - or not awake, because he wasn’t sleeping, but out of whatever daze he’d been in. 

“I’m fine,” he said, opening his eyes. “Are you…” He trailed off, taking in the landscape around them. A crumbling ruin, looking like a tornado had torn through, followed by an earthquake. He could smell smoke and there was a fine rain of ash coming down. He trailed off, gaping.

“I’m all right,” Wanda said, but she sounded shaken. “I don’t know - what happened. I don’t know what this is, either. I mean, we’re still - this is still Loki’s mind, but…” She trailed off, swallowing. 

_I killed him,_ Steve thought, a little distantly, and corrected himself: no, Loki killed himself, just used Steve’s hand to do it. But something made him feel vaguely nauseous. _You have to do it,_ Loki had said, _smiling._

He’d known Loki was crazy, and messed up, and...damaged. But knowing that was different than...seeing. 

“Is he here?” He asked Wanda, finally, and she nodded. 

“I was waiting for you.”

“Good,” Steve said, firmly, hauling himself to his feet. “Which way?” 

Wanda pointed, and they started in that direction. Steve tried not to look too closely at their surroundings; something about the smell suggested that the ruins weren’t empty, and even if nothing was _real_ that didn’t mean he wanted to see. Wanda held her hand over her nose, looking like she wanted to start shaking.

“It’s like home,” she said, hardly more than a whisper. “Like after the bomb fell.”

Steve put an arm around her shoulders protectively. He could see a lone figure standing on a pile of rubble ahead of them, silhouetted against the orange sky. He slowed as they approached, wary, but Wanda tugged free. 

“Loki?” She said. Her voice sounded surprisingly steady. “I need to talk to you.”

“Hmm.” Loki’s head turned so his profile was visible, but Steve couldn’t make out the expression on his face. His foot moved and Steve’s eyes followed it - and felt a surge of nausea as he realized that it was resting on Thor’s severed head. “Asgard burns and you want to _talk._ ” 

He turned then, lips curved in a cold, amused smile. “Fascinating.” 

Wanda’s face went a shade paler, but she didn’t back down. “You know this isn’t real,” she said. Steve looked at Loki’s face and thought _does he?_

“What is?” Loki flipped the spear he was holding and stabbed it down into something that, by the sound of it, wasn’t rubble. “Reality is such a _useless_ concept. And meaningless.” He cocked his head to the side. “Do I know you? There’s something vaguely familiar…”

“I was drifting. You helped me find my way back.” Wanda lifted her chin, expression stubborn and determined. “I’m here to tell you that it’s safe and you can wake up now.” 

Loki laughed, a harsh bark. “Why would I want to?” 

Wanda faltered slightly. “Because - you don’t want to stay _here._ ”

“Why not?” Loki released the spear and took a step forward, toward them. “I am free, here. Lord of Glorious Asgard. Golden Asgard. Immortal Asgard.” He gestured at their surroundings. Steve kept himself from looking back toward Thor’s head, disgust and anger tangling in his chest. This, he thought, was more what he’d expected. Maybe this was real and the other one had just been some kind of trick-

No, he didn’t really believe that was the case. 

Wanda’s expression flickered, and Loki took another step toward her, grin widening. “Oh, yes. I did this. I tore it _all_ down. You should run before I do the same to you.” 

“You are trying to scare me,” Wanda said, her spine stiffening, accent a hair thicker. “I do not scare so easily.”

Loki’s expression flickered, and Steve tensed. “Did you not hear me?” He hissed. “I killed them. All of them.” 

“You didn’t kill me.” Wanda took a step toward Loki. “Does it actually feel better? Destroying all of it?”

Loki’s lip curled. “It does.” 

“But what are you going to do now?” 

For a moment, Steve thought he saw another flicker, some hesitation, but then it was gone, and Loki just grinned, wild and feral. “There are eight more realms,” he said. “I don’t see why I should stop at one.”

“No,” Steve said, sharply, and Loki looked toward him, smile widening. 

“Yes,” he murmured. “And I know just where to start.”

Steve lunged, and Loki spun, laughing, a knife in his hand and flying toward Steve’s throat-

Nothing. Black. And he was alone. “Wanda?” He yelled, panic rising in the back of his throat. “Wanda! Dammit-”

“I’m here.” He whirled and let out a harsh exhale of relief on seeing her, though she looked pale and unhappy. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” 

“I don’t think he can,” Wanda said. “I thought…” She took a deep breath and sighed. “I should have known it would not be easy. But I didn’t...is that what he was like? In New York, when…”

“Sort of,” Steve said. “Yeah.”

Wanda shuddered. “Why?” 

“Why?” he asked blankly. Wanda looked at him, her eyebrows knitted together. 

“What made him like that? He couldn’t always have been. No one is born so...” she trailed off, apparently at a loss for the right word.

Steve hadn’t thought about it all that much. Wondered once or twice, maybe, how to reconcile the brother Thor loved with the power-mad maniac they’d fought, but that wasn’t a _why._ It’d been clear there was something wrong with Loki, too – _bag of cats,_ Bruce had said – but he hadn’t thought about a why of that, either. There hadn’t been time, and afterward… “I don’t know,” he said slowly. “Some people just want power. They’ll do anything for it.”

Wanda didn’t seem convinced. “I suppose,” she allowed, but Steve got the sense it was mostly to be polite. “There’s probably no way of knowing. I wonder if-” She cut off, though, and shook her head. “We need to keep going.”

“Lead the way,” Steve said, after a brief hesitation, wondering if he should press and deciding he shouldn’t. She’d tell him if she wanted to.

Wanda nodded, her expression turning determined. “Let’s try again,” she said. “We just need to find the right way to get through to him.” Wanda took his hand. Steve squeezed her fingers and she squeezed back.

* * *

They were standing in a long hallway, hung with ornate tapestries. Steve stared at the one nearest them, which seemed to show some kind of massacre – no, battle, he realized. Around a central figure holding a golden spear held aloft, masses of people clashed against gruesomely embroidered blue things, blood spilling in gory detail from their wounds. 

Blue things, Steve thought, and wondered. “Ugh,” Wanda said, and Steve had to agree. 

“Let’s go,” he said, and started down the hall without any real idea where he was going. The following tapestries didn’t get much better. 

“Steve,” Wanda said. “Look at the ones on this side.” 

Steve turned his head and moved back to where she’d stopped. His body went cold when he realized what he was looking at – it was Thor, standing with hammer upraised, and behind him, almost blurring into the background, another figure in gold and green. 

“Back there,” Wanda said, “they’re side by side. He – Loki – fades back gradually.”

Steve looked to the next panel. This one was just Loki – or Steve thought it was Loki, but he was half transformed into something else, something monstrous. In the next, the transformation had extended further, and it continued until the last panel, where Thor returned, crushing the monster underfoot. 

Steve shifted uncomfortably and looked away. There was a door in front of them now, and Steve was fairly certain it hadn’t been there before. 

“Knock,” Wanda suggested, but before Steve could take her up on the suggestion the door opened and Loki looked out at them. A young Loki, Steve realized quickly, not just young _er_ but _young,_ maybe a teenager, maybe not even that. 

“Well?” He said, looking at them both. “Are you just going to stand there all day?” 

Steve blinked, flummoxed. Something growled, and he saw the monster twist under Thor’s foot. Loki gestured at it sharply. 

“Get out,” he said. “It isn’t your time yet.” And stepped back. “It isn’t yours either,” he informed Steve, “but I suppose that is all right. We may as well skip to the end.”

“Excuse me,” Wanda said, clearing her throat. “I think there’s some confusion-“

Loki frowned. “Is there? I thought I had figured it out. Come on, then-” He grabbed Wanda’s wrist and dragged her through the door. 

“Hey!” Steve said, as Wanda gave a yelp of surprise, but even as Steve stepped over the threshold the hall melted away and Loki just dragged Wanda over to a wall covered in writing and gestured at it. 

“If you’re so clever,” he said, “please, tell me where I am wrong.” 

Wanda glanced at Steve, looking almost as puzzled as he felt. “I don’t know what I’m looking at,” she said, apologetic. Loki pursed his lips like a disappointed teacher. 

“Timelines, Ms. Maximoff,” he said. “It is all about _timelines._ I am trying to figure out the best one. At first I thought it was at the very beginning that was the error, but it goes much further back than that, you see.” He gestured. “The Celestials and the Infinity Stones. Of course, I can’t _do_ anything about that without the Time Stone, and if I had the Time Stone that’s hardly what I would do with it. Besides, if I tried to unmake the Time Stone while I was using it – Norns, that could unravel the universe.” Loki paused. “Perhaps I _should_ try that. The universe is rather wretched.” 

Steve made a noise of strangled protest. Loki glanced at him. “Oh, all right, perhaps not,” he said. “But there are so many points of divergence, you see?”

That was what it was, Steve realized. A branching map, sprawling across the wall in ways that defied geometry. 

“You might find this one interesting,” Loki went on, talking quickly like someone might interrupt him, or like he was going to run out of time. “Here – I die in the fall from the Bifrost, or the fight on it, that doesn’t much matter. The scepter never comes to Midgard, Ultron is never made-”

“How do you know about that?” Steve asked sharply. Loki blinked at him, seeming startled. 

“I listen,” he said. “People talk a great deal when they think you aren’t listening. Can’t listen. And I can piece things together. Anyway – you and your brother are never captured, never transformed-”

Wanda shook her head. “It isn’t that simple.” 

“Why not?” Loki’s eyes were fever bright as he spread his hands. “I told you, I’ve thought it all through, but if you think I’ve missed something, I am open to suggestions.” 

Wanda took a step forward. “I think you should sit down,” she said slowly. Loki frowned at her and turned back to the map. 

“After the fall I think it is too late,” he said. “I tried…here,” he pointed to another branch. “If I died in the collapse of the facility – but likely the scepter would be recovered, and everything would fall out the same anyway, more or less. Slowed down but not stopped. Or here,” indicating a nearby different direction, “I offer a warning and surrender and his lackey rips my mind to shreds. Perhaps some useful information makes it through, but not much. So it has to be _before._ If I can just find the right pathway…” Loki huffed, a frustrated sound. “I know it’s here _somewhere._ ”

“The right pathway to what?” Steve couldn’t resist asking. Loki gave him an odd look. 

“Why,” he said. “To being _good,_ of course. It is likely, I know, that the only possible means is to die – I considered that, too, if I’d frozen to death at the beginning, but even then I must have already been _wrong_ somehow to be left--” Loki broke off, inhaling sharply like he was trying to control himself. Steve felt an uncomfortable twist in his stomach. “—so clearly that isn’t good enough.”

“Loki,” Wanda said, a little more firmly. “I don’t think this is helping.” 

Loki fell silent, finally, and looked at her, and then at the map. His narrow shoulders slumped. “No,” he said. “You are probably right.” 

All of it vanished, wiped away, and Loki sat down on the ground in a heap of lanky limbs. Wanda glanced at Steve and then took a step toward him. 

“Thank you,” she said carefully. “I think we need to talk.”

“What is there to talk about?” Loki rested his chin on his drawn up knees. “I already know. I can tell, that I am… _wrong._ I can feel it, like a dissonant note in a complex harmony, one string out of tune in a harp.” The corners of his mouth tugged up. “Some things are beyond repair. I keep looking for a way anyway, I try to act – not like myself, like what I know they want of me, but then I am _false, liar._ I know what they mean: _lie better._ It is like a skilled theatrical performance: no one wants to see the strings and seams.” Loki sounded bitter, briefly, but then he just seemed to slump further. Wanda looked uncertain, standing perhaps a foot away. 

“You shouldn’t do that,” she said.

“Do what?” Loki asked. “Try? I know. I’ll learn that eventually. I know. The tapestries.” He lifted an arm and ran his nail under a flap of skin, pulling it up like paper to show twisted, ridged blue skin. “It’s already started. But I cannot help but think, perhaps, if I just find the right set of actions, I can do it. The _right thing._ ”

“Loki,” Steve said, shifting. “The right thing right now isn’t – this.”

“Isn’t it?” Loki looked at him, gaze oddly open, earnest. “Do you think I could do it, Captain? Could I be something other than what I am? Could I be good?” 

“I-“ Caught on the spot, Steve hesitated. 

“I didn’t think so,” Loki said. Oddly, he sounded disappointed. “You would know, wouldn’t you? But I can’t stop trying.” He dropped his head back. 

“Listen,” Wanda said urgently. “You’re asleep, Loki. You need to wake up. Come back with me – with us.”

“Is this dreaming?” Loki asked, eyes wide, almost innocent. “Or is the other one dreaming, the white room and you in my head, so frightened. I like this better. I can think. I have time. Time to make it all right, even if it’s already too late.”

“Don’t send me away,” Wanda said, her voice tightening. “Don’t—”

“There’s a legend,” Loki said over her, his eyes going to Steve. “About a monster that keeps its heart in a box deep in the woods. I always thought that was foolish. Why keep it where you couldn’t protect it? I understand now, though. It hurts to look at something like that. The things that were yours in another life. The heart you ripped out as the price of survival. I think it would kill me if I took it back.” 

“I don’t understand,” Steve said. 

“You wouldn’t,” Loki said, sounding almost sad. Black, thorny branches tore through the walls. One impaled Loki through the chest, others snatched at Steve and Wanda, crowding closer, closer, closer. 

* * *

Steve blinked. He knew this room. It was in Tony’s tower, before it had been rebuilt. There was a hole in the floor and in front of him, battered and tired looking, was Loki. Steve _remembered_ this. Wanda, to his left, looked puzzled, but this time Loki actually looked at Steve first. 

“You should have killed me here,” he said, voice rasping. “Though I suppose it was your right not to be merciful.”

Steve blinked and tried not to flinch. “We were,” he protested, though he knew he shouldn’t play into Loki’s reality, should be trying to shake him out of it. “Nobody wanted you dead.” 

Loki laughed softly. “No,” he said. “You wanted a lab rat.” Steve froze, and he felt Wanda tense at his side. His smile was mirthless and mocking. “You wanted to know what makes me _tick._ They sucked my blood until I was sick and dizzy and came back for more, like vampires. Insatiable. Testing, always testing. I have been tortured before but it is worse, being nothing more than a specimen.” Steve heard Wanda make a soft sound, and shook his head. Loki cocked his to the side. “Have you ever had a spinal tap? They use a hollow needle. Stuck between the vertebrae-”

“Stop,” Wanda said, her voice small and strained. Her arms were wrapped tightly around herself and she looked sick. Loki glanced toward her and something sharpened in his gaze. 

“Squeamish?” He asked.

“Leave her alone,” Steve said sharply. Too sharply, because if Loki was telling the truth - but there hadn’t been sign of...any of that. _Maybe they ran out of ideas,_ a voice at the back of his brain murmured coldly. _No more use for him so just shut him down and lock him away._

“Ever the valiant defender,” Loki said, eyes cutting to Steve. “Shield of the innocent.” He barked a laugh. “If I had beaten you I would have had the courtesy to kill you quickly.”

“I’m not squeamish,” Wanda said. She pulled her arms down, straightening. Loki’s eyes flicked back toward her. “I know what that’s like. I know - how it feels, like everything that’s _you_ is being stripped away-” Steve caught just a brief flash of her eyes in his direction. “It feels like you’re nothing and you start to believe it. You try to find somewhere to go, somewhere that’s safe-”

“Nowhere is safe,” Loki said, and then looked angry that he’d said it. He shook himself. “You aren’t real. A figment that I have dreamed up - like him,” Loki said, jerking his head in Steve’s direction. “Like the sparks a fire throws up before going out.”

Steve was almost, bizarrely, insulted. “I’m not a figment.” 

“Nor am I,” Wanda said, frowning. Loki gave them both a patronizing look, as if to say _exactly what a figment would claim._

“It hardly matters, anyway,” Loki said, slumping back, his head falling with a heavy _thunk_ on the top step. Steve noticed the arm cradling his torso, guarding it like there was something busted underneath, and realized with a chill that he hadn’t noticed that before. Thor had hauled Loki to his feet and they’d all called it a day, and Steve suddenly wondered whether anyone had ever asked Loki if he needed medical attention. He’d seemed fine, but the kind of thrashing the Hulk had given him...images of shattered ribs and internal injuries danced in Steve’s head. Sure, he’d survived, but what kind of pain... 

The words bubbled up on his tongue now, useless: _are you all right?_ He swallowed them. 

“Why not?” Wanda asked. “I think it’d matter a great deal whether we’re real.”

Loki smiled, something strangely familiar about the near bliss of the expression. “Because I am done,” he said to the ceiling. “I don’t know what they thought they were doing, what kind of drug they used to keep me pliant and submissive, but whatever it was...it grew harder and harder for them to pull me back. And now that thread is spun so fine, the slightest shiver could break it. And then…” 

Steve realized where he recognized that expression from. It’d been the look on Loki’s face after he’d forced Steve to stab him, on the ice world with the baby. Unease prickled down Steve’s spine and Wanda was shaking her head. 

“No,” she said flatly. “I won’t let that happen. You’re not there anymore. You’re somewhere safe, no one’s drugging you. That’s why I’m here, to tell you that.” 

Loki frowned. “Nowhere is safe. Remember?”

“It is,” Wanda insisted. “I’ll protect you. Steve-”

Loki had been focused on Wanda. Now he looked back at Steve. Something hardened in his eyes and Steve knew they’d lost him. “No,” he interrupted. “I already know what to expect from _Steve._ ”

No attack this time. The whole scene just - blinked out of existence. 

* * *

Steve wanted to scream but he also just felt sick. _The slightest shiver…_ was that it? He heard Wanda curse.

“We’re going in circles,” he said. “And it feels like I’m just making things worse.”

“No,” Wanda protested, but Steve looked at her and she glanced away. “We just need to - find the right words.” _What if there aren’t right words,_ Steve thought, but he could see the near desperation in Wanda’s eyes. She needed this. He nodded slowly. “And maybe - maybe there’s some way I can _find..._ so he’s not controlling it so much. Or just something less…” She trailed off. 

“Awful?” Steve filled in, and Wanda gave him a weak smile. 

“Let me just…” She closed her eyes, her face tensing as she concentrated. Steve waited, looking around them, for...something. He didn’t know what he was waiting _for,_ just some sign that something was happening-

Cheering. Steve jerked, his eyes widening, startled by the sudden noise - the roar of a crowd at a game. He looked around, trying to see, but the faces all blurred together, applauding and all gazing in one direction. Steve turned, already knowing what he was going to see.

Loki, standing on a raised dais at the head of the hall, in front of what had to be Asgard’s throne. _Of course,_ Steve thought, almost bitterly. This _would_ be Loki’s ideal reality. 

Something was still strange, though. A slightly discordant note to the cheering. And looking at Loki, smiling in a way Steve realized he hadn’t seen - not manic and crazed, not sad and resigned, but actually _pleased._ A red cape trimmed with fur swept from his shoulders and he raised his arm high, Mjolnir held overhead- 

Like Thor, Steve realized with an unpleasant jolt. Loki was imagining himself _as Thor._

He glanced at Wanda, who was already moving forward through the crowd. They didn’t react at all as she pushed past them (obviously, none of them were real) and Steve followed after, holding back the urge to apologize. 

“Loki!” Wanda called. Loki didn’t react, at least not until she cupped her hands against her mouth and yelled again, “ _Loki!_ ” 

_Then_ he looked at her. A small frown touched the corners of his mouth. 

“You,” he said, sounding faintly perplexed. “You don’t belong here.” His eyes slid sideways, to Steve. “Nor do you.” 

“This is a dream,” Wanda said, her voice firm, matter-of-fact. “You need to wake up.” 

“Go away, little witch,” Loki said dismissively “I do not have time for your prattling. It is my coronation day.”

Steve searched the crowd. “Where’s Thor?” He asked. Loki twitched, his eyes jerking to Steve and then away. 

“Who?” He said, but a little too quickly. The discordant note in the cheering became stronger, and something moved around the edges of the golden hall, just out of Steve’s sight: a prowling shadow. 

“Thor,” Steve pressed. “Your brother. Shouldn’t he be here? You know, for the big day?” 

Loki’s eyes flickered toward the edges of the hall, and something seemed to shift in the crowd, faces growing restless, vaguely menacing. “I do not. I have no brother.” 

Steve blinked, a little surprised. He’d expected that Loki must have _killed_ Thor - killed him and taken his place - but that he was just...imagining a world without him entirely, that was…

Wanda shifted closer to Steve. “Loki,” she said. “I need you to listen to me. _Remember_ me.”

Loki frowned at her. “Remember…? I dreamed you. When I was in the dark…” He trailed off, faltering. The back of the hall, Steve realized, was now swallowed by shadows. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, a little alarmed. 

Loki’s eyes widened and he took a step back. Mjolnir dropped to the ground and the crowd melted away. “No,” he said. “This is wrong. This is all-”

“Loki!” A voice roared, nearly unrecognizable, and Loki’s eyes widened to saucers. He turned and tried to flee down the stairs. Lightning flashed down, ripping open the floor around the dais, and Loki froze. Steve turned slowly. 

It was Thor, but - not. Thor but through a nightmare lens. He did not even glance at Wanda or Steve - strode right _through_ Wanda without even blinking, Mjolnir leaping from where Loki had let it fall into his hand. “Snake,” Thor snarled. “ _Cur._ You dare soil the throne with your _filth-_ ”

“Loki,” Wanda said, and Steve felt her do - something. Thor flickered, frozen. “You can stop this,” she said. “So stop it, and we can talk-”

Loki stared at Thor, naked terror on his face. “There’s no stopping it,” he gasped. “This always happens. He always comes in the end. It’s not mine, I know it’s not mine, but I want to - just once, just...”

“You control what happens,” Wanda said. “It’s your dream, you can make it anything you want.”

“Anything I want?” Loki’s expression shifted from terror to resignation. “It doesn’t matter,” he said, so quietly Steve barely heard him. “It never matters.”

“You will _never_ be worthy,” Thor said. Lightning flashed bright enough that Steve was blinded, and he heard Wanda shout in frustration, but the hall was already crumbling around them, and they were falling. 

* * *

Sunlight. Steve squeezed his eyes shut reflexively, but, like the cold, the sun didn’t hurt his eyes, or feel warm. Wanda stood next to him looking faintly surprised, but her expression hardened quickly into resolve. 

“What did you do?” He asked. 

“I am not sure how to explain it,” she said slowly. “I just...tried to find a calm place. That...lightning looking flash we saw earlier, down here that’s what everything feels like. Storms on the horizon. So I went looking for the eye. Does that…” She trailed off. Steve shook his head. 

“As long as it works,” he said. “I don’t necessarily need to get it.” He looked around where they were - a sunlit sort of patio, but there was only one place to go. An arched doorway made out of vines, leading into what looked like a miniature jungle. Steve looked toward Wanda. She glanced toward him, looking very slightly uncertain. 

Steve’s eye caught on a bit of movement, and he turned toward it. It was Loki, of course, though he seemed different somehow, even at this distance. He crossed the patio without looking at them and vanished into the doorway. 

“Well, that settles it,” Wanda said, sounding a little rueful, and squared her shoulders, marching after him. Steve followed, half expecting the archway to close behind them. Who knew what calm might mean, for Loki? 

The path they were on branched twice, but Wanda stayed moving forward. The pace she was walking, Steve was surprised they hadn’t caught up, but it seemed like things worked a little bit on dream logic here. The path wound through thick plant growth, and it took Steve a while to realize that it was...intentional. He couldn’t tell exactly what the pattern was, but there _was_ a pattern to it. Not a jungle, a garden. 

Just as he thought it, the path broadened, widening into a small circle. Wanda stopped dead, and Steve almost ran into her, staring at a tree whose branches seemed to be moving independently of any wind. “What?” He started to say, but she said, “shh.” 

He peered around her, and blinked. Across the small patio was a large tree in full leaf. On a bench in its shade there was a woman sitting that Steve didn’t recognize, her curly fair hair loose around her shoulders. Loki was curled up next to her, his head resting in her lap where her fingers combed through his hair. Steve’s stomach twisted oddly; more than the other visions he felt like an intruder here. He could hear the woman humming. Loki himself...his eyes were closed and he looked younger, softer. 

“I had the most terrible dreams, mother,” he murmured, and Steve almost flinched. He heard Wanda make a quiet _oh_ sound. “I can feel them chasing me. Sooner or later I will fall, and…”

“Shh,” Loki’s mother - Thor’s mother, Frigga, said. She was dead, Steve remembered. Killed. Did Loki even know? “I know. But it’s only dreams. They fade with waking, powerless unless you give them power.” 

“But dreams are shadows of the waking mind, are they not?” Loki said. “Reflections of...what does that say of me, then? That I dream of - ice, and death, and…killing Thor. I see myself strike him down in a desert and I am _glad._ What if-”

Wanda looked a little like she wanted to cry. “It isn’t dreams,” she murmured, barely audible. “It’s...everything else. Chewing away at this. Creeping in.”

“Loki,” Frigga said, gently chiding. Steve thought of his own mother and expected to feel his eyes sting. “You will strangle yourself in what-ifs, someday. As you said: they are shadows. Like shadows, they stretch and lengthen in strange ways. And they have no form but what you give them.”

“I want to believe you,” Loki whispered. 

“Then do.”

“I want to,” Loki repeated. “But then - why are they here?” He opened his eyes, looking straight at Wanda and Steve. Wanda started, and cleared her throat. 

“I’m - sorry,” she said. 

Loki blinked slowly. He just looked tired. Frigga had frozen, still there but no longer animated, eyes staring straight ahead. “Can I not have this?” It sounded almost like a plea. 

Steve looked at Wanda, who shook her head. “We’re not trying to take it away.” 

“Yes, you are.” Loki rolled to his back and Frigga melted away, leaving his head to fall to the bench. “You follow me, dogged as hunting hounds. You want me to - what, come back?” His lips curved up at the corners. “For what?” 

Wanda faltered, shooting a quick glance at Steve, who didn’t have an answer. Loki’s smile, if that was what it was, grew. 

“You see,” he murmured. “And you, little witch - do not lecture me about giving up. You were fading when I nudged you back to yourself. And you would have let it happen. Your soul is no stranger to despair.” 

Wanda tensed, but Steve spoke before she could. “Why?” Loki glanced listlessly toward him. 

“Why what?” 

“Why do that?” He asked. “Help Wanda. You could’ve just let her...fade.” He couldn’t bring himself to think about what that meant. What could have happened.

Loki looked back up at the sky, stretching one hand up toward it. “I had nothing better to do.” 

“Bullshit,” Steve said. Wanda gave him a faintly startled look, but by the slight frown he thought she might guess what he was trying to do. And maybe it was stupid, but- “If you were so absorbed in letting yourself die, why bother at all?” 

He thought he caught a small twitch. “This is what I mean,” Loki said wearily. “Dogged.”

“I just want an answer to the question,” Steve said. 

“I’d like to know as well,” Wanda said. Loki dropped his hand back down. 

“I don’t know,” he said finally. “Is that the explanation you sought? Get out.” 

“We can’t,” Wanda said flatly. “We’re trapped here.”

Loki glanced toward them. “Oh,” he said, and his lips curled up a bit. “That explains it. I did wonder why you were being so persistent. Is that all you wanted? You might have just asked.” Steve felt something shift, and sudden alarm pulsed in his chest, surprising him. If Loki threw them out now - he had a feeling that was it. They’d wake up, but Loki wouldn’t. _That thread is spun so fine, the slightest shiver could break it._

“No, wait,” Wanda said, her voice sharp. “That isn’t why - that isn’t the _only_ reason why. I wanted - _want_ to pull you out. I said I would, and I don’t like breaking my promises.”

Loki let out a hiss of breath. “Why? Because you think you owe me?”

“I do,” Wanda insisted. “But no, because I don’t think anyone deserves to be trapped drowning in their own nightmares.”

Loki’s teeth flashed, but he was focused on Wanda, some of the disinterest fading. “I told you. I chose this.”

“I don’t think you did,” Wanda said. “Maybe at first. Maybe to begin with it was a way to escape, but like you said. It got harder and harder to get back. And then you couldn’t get back at all. And you’d managed to resign yourself to that, to just being trapped in your own head, but then I somehow - managed to reach you. And I don’t know why, but for some reason, maybe you didn’t even think about it, you _helped_ me.” Loki’s eyes darted away like what Wanda was saying frightened him. “And that reminded you that there was a world out there, about all the things you were leaving, and now you’re scared to let go and scared to come back, so you’re stuck here.” 

“You know nothing,” Loki said tightly. “I asked you a question. Why bother? And you couldn’t think of one answer. There is nothing for me except perhaps a different cage. Perhaps a kinder one. I am done with cages. I am done.” 

“There’s Thor,” Steve said quietly. Loki sat up suddenly, turned on him and hissed. Steve could see shadows starting to creep into the garden, like they had in the hall. He wondered suddenly if there had been more good memories, places like this, but the longer Loki was down here the more they vanished. 

“Thor _left me there,_ ” Loki said, and if anger trembled on the surface Steve could hear the anguish underneath. “No doubt he thought it was _good riddance,_ if he thought about it at all after the moment he turned his back-”

“He tried,” Steve interrupted. “He tried to argue that you should go to Asgard.”

Loki sneered. “ _Tried._ When Thor _tries_ the universe bends to his will. He may have made the gesture, but make no mistake, that was all it was-”

“Maybe he didn’t rip everything to shreds, but he _did_ try,” Steve interrupted, voice rising a fraction. “But they just kept stonewalling him, and _maybe_ he figured if he pushed too hard it would just make things worse for _you._ ” He thought he saw Loki waver, very slightly. “So don’t tell me that’s _nothing._ ” He could hear the anger, knew he was thinking of Peggy in the ground and Bucky back in cryo. He had Sam, and Clint and Wanda, and they were all _wonderful_ but…

“And if Thor _cares_ so much,” Loki said at length, “then where is he?” 

“Not on Earth,” Steve said. “He went to Asgard. Sounded like he thought something might be wrong there.” He saw Loki twitch again, very slightly, and added a little ruthlessly, “we haven’t heard anything since, so maybe it is.” 

Loki looked away, scoffing. “I don’t care a whit about Asgard.”

“I don’t believe you,” Steve said. 

“Believe or don’t. It changes nothing.” Loki looked away, up toward the tree above. Steve shifted, trying to think what to say, but Wanda spoke first. 

“Doesn’t it mean anything that I - that _we_ came to find you?” 

Loki jerked his head to the side. “The Captain is here for you.” Steve half wanted to object, even if that was exactly why he was here. “And you are here because-”

“Don’t tell me why I’m here,” Wanda interrupted. You don’t know anything about me. I’m not here to repay a debt.”

“Then you are here because you pity me,” Loki said. “So much better.” 

“No,” Wanda said flatly. “I’m here because, as you said, my soul is no stranger to despair. I know what it’s like to lose everything. To be lost and alone.” Her chin lifted. “Sympathy isn’t pity. And I heard you. When you helped me.” Steve jerked. Wanda had said Loki hadn’t said anything. She’d lied? But Loki also looked transfixed, frozen. “You said, _don’t let me fall._ I couldn’t help you then. I can now.”

Loki took a breath that sounded loud and a little ragged. “You do not understand.”

“Weren’t you listening? I do.” Wanda took another step closer, and held out her hand. Steve realized he was holding his breath, and let it out slowly. Loki looked frozen. 

“I cannot.”

“If you can get us out then you can climb out yourself,” Wanda said. She left her hand extended. Loki’s eyes strayed toward Steve. 

“And you, Captain?” He said, voice hardening. “What do you think of your protégé’s bid to unleash the beast?” 

“She’s not my protégé.” Steve considered his words carefully. “I don’t think you’re a beast,” he said, mind flashing to Loki kneeling in the snow, saying _it would have been a kindness, like the snake you are._

Loki’s lips twisted, mocking. “You don’t think I _deserve_ to die?”

“I don’t think it’s ever up to me to decide who deserves that,” Steve said after another long pause. “But if it _were_ up to me…I wouldn’t leave you here.” Trapped in his own head. Spiraling down. 

Maybe he could save at least one person. 

Loki’s mocking smile was gone. He stared at Steve like he’d never seen him before, eyebrows furrowed, and then sighed, closing his eyes. Something chittered eerily, which made Steve realize how close the shadows were. 

“You need to leave,” Loki said. His voice was empty of feeling, and it was impossible to read his expression. “It isn’t safe.” 

Wanda stepped forward, hand still extended. “Then come with us.”

Loki’s eyes opened. He studied Wanda, a peculiar look on his face, and after a long moment reached out and took her hand; his grip looked surprisingly delicate. Steve walked over and took Wanda’s other hand. The very corner of Loki’s lips twitched toward a peculiar, sad seeming smile. 

_Oh no,_ Steve thought, sudden alarm flickering to life in his belly. He started to move, to grab Loki’s other hand, or something. 

_Thank you,_ he thought he saw Loki mouth, but then the patio shattered, the sunlight shattered, and Steve had a moment of glimpsing _something_ awful and massive yawning wide before something yanked him back and up, up, up and Steve’s head was spinning, everything spinning-

Black.

* * *

“No, no, _dammit!_ ” Steve blinked back to himself to see Wanda on her feet standing over Loki, who looked exactly as he had before: still and pale and lifeless. _Thank you,_ he’d said, with that small, sad half smile. Like he’d come to some kind of conclusion. 

“Is he,” Steve started to ask.

“Still breathing,” Wanda said. She sounded angry. “But nothing otherwise. _Nothing._ I thought for _sure…_ ” She trailed off, her shoulders slumping. 

“It’s okay,” Steve said. “We can try again, right?”

“I don’t think so,” Wanda said. She bit her lip hard, like she was trying to keep herself from crying. “Steve...I think that might have been it.” 

Steve looked at Loki’s face again. Nothing visible had changed. He was still breathing. “You said before…”

“It was hard, but I could tell there was _something,_ ” Wanda said. “Now...nothing.” She moved slowly over to a chair and sank into it like she’d aged ten years, staring at her hands. They were shaking, and Steve realized that she must be exhausted. 

“Let me get you some food,” he said. “Stay there, just…” 

“I was so sure that I had him,” Wanda said. She sounded young, and lost. Steve didn’t have to wonder who she was thinking of, the other person she would have wanted to save. 

“He...he’d already made his choice,” Steve said. “There was nothing...you did everything you could.” 

Wanda’s head didn’t lift. “I don’t know,” she said. “I thought he was listening to me, at the end. And I - what if...what if getting _us_ out took everything he had left?” Looking back toward Loki, her hands twisted together. “And that’s why…”

Steve’s stomach lurched. “You don’t know that,” he said. “Wanda - you heard him. Don’t beat yourself up. Not about this.”

But truthfully...his own heart felt heavy. It might be just Loki, but it was a lot harder to think of him as _just Loki_ anymore. At least, he told himself, if Wanda was right and he was actually...gone, he wasn’t hurting anymore. Maybe that was a mercy. 

* * *

Steve found himself wandering back to Loki’s room just the same. Maybe it was just the need for closure, or the sense that he’d left something unfinished, but he still felt like he couldn’t just leave him there and forget about it. Nothing _seemed_ to change: Loki still breathed and still remained as stubbornly unconscious as before. 

He tried to reassure Wanda, but while she was polite and tried to smile it was clear she didn’t buy any of his attempts at platitudes, and visiting Loki was less painful than staring at Bucky’s face through frozen glass. Sam asked him about it once – _is this a good idea? –_ and only once. 

On his third visit, frowning at Loki’s face and trying to piece together everything they’d seen in his head, Steve was interrupted by one of the nurses, who eyed him briefly before ignoring him. One thing about staying in Wakanda: no one seemed terribly impressed by him. Steve supposed that made sense, when T’Challa was their king and they had tech to make Tony envious. 

The nurse checked a few of the readouts and frowned, sweeping out and returning a moment later with one of the doctors in tow. Steve straightened, a sharp stab of alarm going through him. “What is it?” 

The nurse said something to the doctor in Xhosa. She replied and pushed a few buttons on a piece of equipment, peering at it. Steve leaned forward like he’d be able to figure out anything about what was going on. 

“What is it?” He repeated. “Is something wrong? Is he…” Steve swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat that shouldn’t, by rights, be there. “Has he gotten worse?”

The doctor straightened and turned toward him, and Steve glanced at her name tag: N. Gatyeni. “He isn’t deteriorating,” said the doctor, sounding a little wry. “He’s waking up.”

Steve blinked. “What?” 

“People don’t come out of comas all at once,” she said. “It takes time. Like rebooting a computer. Your...friend is still in the early stages, and there’s no way of knowing how long it might take, but it’s a good sign.”

“You’re sure,” Steve said. 

“I’m sure,” the doctor said, still looking amused. “The fun part is going to be when he starts wanting to pull everything out.”

Steve stared at Loki, feeling a smile tug at the corners of his mouth, almost incredulous. “I have to go,” he said. “There’s someone who should know.”

Her eyebrows raised. “Family?” 

“No,” Steve said. “Just a woman with a big heart.”

He found Wanda sipping something steaming with a tall, stately woman Steve suspected was one of the Dora Milaje; she gave him a look and exited without a greeting. Wanda looked up and gave him a wan smile. “Hey, Steve.” 

“I have good news,” Steve said, trying not to smile – and it surprised him a little that it _did_ feel like good news, not just for Wanda’s sake, even if it might actually just bring a whole new set of complications. Wanda blinked, and then sat up, expression flickering with carefully restrained eagerness. 

“What kind of good news?” 

“Loki’s waking up,” Steve said. Wanda straightened, setting her teacup down a little too hard. 

“He – what?” 

“The doctor says it’s still in the early stages and might take a while, but there’s improvement,” Steve said, letting himself smile a little, now. “You did it, Wanda.”

Wanda’s startled expression cleared slowly, breaking into a smile. “ _We_ did,” she said. “You’re – you’re sure?” 

“Just repeating what the doctor said,” Steve said. Wanda pressed her face into her hands, and Steve felt a burst of nerves, but when she raised her head her smile had widened. 

“Thank you for telling me, Steve,” she said. “And thank you for all your help.” 

“I don’t think I did much,” Steve said.

Wanda stood up, suddenly, and embraced him. “You trusted me,” she said. “That means – more than I think you know.” Steve hugged her back, after a moment, warmed. 

“You’re a good one, Wanda Maximoff,” he said. 

Wanda squirmed. “I do my best,” she said modestly, but when she pulled back she was smiling. 

“Should I go see him?” She asked, almost shy.

“I think that’s up to you,” Steve said. Soon, they’d have to have a conversation about plans, about what they’d do when Loki actually woke up. About potential problems and damage control and containment. But for now…

It was a good feeling to have _some_ kind of win. 

* * *

Loki’s awakening was very anticlimactic, and very slow. Most of the time Steve couldn’t even see the change, though he noticed when his eyes started to move under the lids, just little twitches. Wanda was in and out more often than Steve thought was probably strictly a good idea, but she didn’t seem to be suffering for it. She was almost _excited,_ even as - as Loki continued to improve - Steve felt encroaching dread about all the things that could go wrong. 

And then Loki woke up. Sort of. 

The first time, it wasn’t even long enough to answer the basic neurological questions he was asked, and he apparently mostly just stared blankly at the doctors (and Wanda, standing ready to react if he turned aggressive). Steve only heard about that one afterwards. 

“So he’s awake now?” He asked Wanda. She shook her head. 

“Not really. Not properly, anyway. Most of him is still…” She made a vague gesture. “But I think he’s close. Maybe in the next couple of days…”

“And you’re sure you can handle it if…”

“I am sure,” Wanda said staunchly. “I have the advantage. But I do not think anything will happen.” 

“A couple of days.” Steve ran his fingers through his hair. “We need to work out some sort of strategy.”

A couple days, it turned out, was generous. Wanda called him the next day. “Loki’s awake,” she said. “And staying awake, at least for now, though I don’t know how long he’ll stay that way.”

Steve was already moving. “And?” He said, not quite able to cover the breathless alarm in his voice. 

“And?” Wanda sounded confused. “That’s all. He seems to sort of understand what’s going on, but it’s hard to tell-”

Steve heard the last words both through his phone and in Wanda’s voice as he covered the last few strides and almost burst into the room before he checked himself. Sudden movements might set Loki off. (Or make him shut down again, it occurred to Steve. That could still happen.) He had to at least look calm. 

He knocked. Wanda let him in, and he heard Dr. Gatyeni asking, “do you have a headache, physical pain, any numbness or tingling?” 

“Headache,” Steve heard, the first words, he realized, that he’d actually _heard_ Loki speak aloud. His voice sounded rough, raspy from disuse, and he looked groggy. 

“Can you lift your arms and hold them for ten seconds?” She asked. Loki’s eyes drifted closed. “Loki,” she said. “Stay awake, just a bit longer. I need to finish this assessment.”

“How long,” Steve asked Wanda quietly. Loki did not seem to have noticed his arrival, and he hung back, almost relieved. 

“Only about fifteen minutes,” Wanda said. Steve would have thought Loki would look better awake, more alive, but it just seemed more apparent how much weight he’d lost, much of the substance of his body gone, either atrophied or burned for energy. If Loki ate anything like Thor - somehow Steve doubted there’d been much accounting for that kind of metabolism. 

He watched Loki flex his fingers slowly and tensed, but nothing happened. Loki frowned faintly and Steve felt a rush of relief, wondering if that meant Loki couldn’t use magic, at least for now. That was one problem he didn’t have to worry about, at least. 

“Do you remember what I told you about where you are?” 

“Yes,” Loki said, though he sounded distracted, still staring at his hands. Steve realized what he was probably actually seeing, suddenly: their nearly skeletal state. Wondering, maybe, how long it had been. 

“Can you tell me where that is?” Dr. Gatyeni sounded patient. 

“Wakanda,” Loki said. “I remember…”

He trailed off, head turning slowly like his neck was stiff, and looked at Wanda. Loki stared at her, expression strange, like he was looking at a phantom. 

“Hello,” Wanda said, quiet and not a little uncertain. “I’m…Wanda.”

“I know you,” Loki said, sounding as though it were spoken more to himself than to her. He seemed to shudder, oddly. “You were…I dreamed you.” _I had the most terrible dreams,_ Steve remembered Loki saying. What did he remember?

“Not exactly,” Wanda said. Loki’s expression was for a moment raw, vulnerable, open, before it closed, wiped blank. “I told you,” Wanda said, after a long silence. “I said I wouldn’t let you fall.” 

Loki stared at her, and Steve thought something might have gone between them, but apparently not because after a long time Loki’s chin dropped, head bowing forward. “I owe you a debt,” he said, very quietly. 

Wanda started a little, looking like she wanted to object, but Steve put a quick hand on her shoulder. He didn’t think now was the time to argue, and besides, Loki feeling he owed Wanda could only be a good thing.

Moving, though, drew Loki’s attention to him. His eyes moved from Wanda to Steve, scanning his face, and for a moment Steve thought he was not recognized, but then Loki went oddly, perfectly still. 

Wanda had been help, Steve realized suddenly. He’d been - at one point he’d killed Loki. In another he’d been an enemy Loki saw as devoid of mercy. Of all the people to see upon waking in a strange place, weak and alone and confused, he might be one of the worst.

But Loki didn’t recoil, or panic, or really do much of anything. Just stared at Steve, expression unreadable.

“I have to go,” Steve murmured to Wanda, and like a coward, turned tail and ran.

* * *

Steve closed himself in his bedroom and put his face in his hands. So Loki was awake, he thought. That was…it made sense that there was some conflicted feeling there. A lot of conflicted feeling. That was just…

In an ideal world maybe he would’ve been able to forget everything he’d seen and look at Loki the same way he had before, as a bad person who’d done bad things, dangerous, insane. That was more complicated now. Nothing he’d seen excused anything, of course. But at the same time-

_Do you think I could do it, Captain? Could I be something other than what I am? Could I be good?_

It didn’t matter, Steve told himself. It was what it was, even if it still wasn’t fair that Loki was free and Bucky wasn’t. But it was done. Now he just had to move forward. 

If only he could make that be the end of it, but Steve’s thoughts just kept going in circles. Picturing Loki’s face, staring at him blankly (what had he been expecting? What might he have thought Steve was going to do? Anything, apparently, if the glimpses Steve’d gotten in his head meant anything.). 

Maybe that was what he couldn’t let go of. The vision of himself as Loki had seen him, recognizable but distorted: harsh, exacting, unforgiving. The hero slaying the monster on the ice; the merciless victor in Tony’s tower. It wasn’t a comfortable way to see himself, even if he knew it had been as skewed as everything else in Loki’s head, like Thor. Like Loki himself, maybe, in some ways. 

Steve rubbed his face with his hands. It was over, anyway. That part. The figuring out what to do with Loki _now_ was still a long road ahead, but he felt an odd kind of tired relief. 

Wanda came and found him an hour or so later and sat down next to him. Steve glanced at her, and the question must have shown on his face because Wanda answered, “Loki’s sleeping. According to the doctors, he will probably continue to do a fair amount of that for a while.”

“And he…” Steve wasn’t sure how to ask his other question. 

Wanda looked pensive. “He did not try to attack anyone, if that’s what you’re trying to say,” she said. That could just be because he’s weak right now, but…he was polite to Dr. Gatyeni and the others.” Steve frowned at his lap. Polite wasn’t much, but it was a lot more than he’d expected. 

“That’s…good,” Steve said slowly. Wanda’s hands clasped in her lap. 

“It is,” she agreed. Flicked a glance at him. “We…talked, some.” 

Steve blinked at her, a little shocked in spite of himself. “You did?” 

“Not much,” Wanda hastened to add. “But…some.”

“How much does he…” Steve cleared his throat loudly. “Remember?” 

“I am not certain,” Wanda said. “Most, I think, if not all. And the rest might come back. Or it might fade. I don’t know.”

“And…how did he seem, overall?”

Wanda took a deep breath and let it out in a slow exhale. “Tired,” she said. “And not just like – needing to sleep tired. I get the impression that he doesn’t completely know why he came back. Or what to do now.” 

Steve remembered when he’d woke up after the ice, at loose ends, not sure what to do with his new chance at life. He didn’t know how he felt about the resonance there. He just nodded.

“Did he say anything about me?” Steve asked, and immediately felt foolish. 

“No,” Wanda said. “He didn’t. Just asked…what we were going to do now. I said I didn’t know and probably we’d have to talk about it.” Steve just nodded. “I want to ask that – whatever you do, don’t be too harsh.” Wanda burst out, after a long pause. 

“Sorry, what?” Steve said blankly. 

“Loki,” Wanda said. “Whatever you – we – decide to do, just…be merciful.” 

Steve frowned, a little. “My first concern is just – keeping everybody safe.” 

“I know,” Wanda said. Steve studied her. 

“You know you’re not…him, right?” Steve said. “That what you did, with Ultron…that’s nothing like the same thing as everything Loki’s done.” 

“I know,” Wanda said. “Though in some ways I think it’s just a difference of degree rather than kind. But I don’t have to believe that to feel like a little compassion would go a long way right now.” Wanda looked at her hands. “That’s what he wants, I think. Deep down.” 

Steve remembered an icy ruin and Loki saying _it is a little monster in waiting._ Loki’s eyes pleading, in the garden with his dead mother: _can I not have this?_ His heart clenched a little. “Wanda,” he said slowly. “You said…before, you said that Loki hadn’t said anything to you. But then when we were…in his head, you said something different. That you did hear something.” 

Wanda looked down. “I’m sorry,” she said, sounding sheepish. Steve stared at her, almost incredulous.

“You lied?” 

“I knew you would get the wrong idea if I told you Loki had said something to me,” she said. “I was afraid you’d think that I’d been…brainwashed, or something. But it wasn’t like that. It was just like – when I was back in my body, when I was safe, just for a second he was there and I heard…I don’t even know if he meant to say it. ‘Don’t let me fall.’” 

“I wish you’d told me,” Steve said, but he couldn’t be sure that Wanda was wrong. He probably would have assumed the worst. 

“I’m sorry,” Wanda said again. 

“It’s okay,” Steve said after a long pause. “It worked out, didn’t it?” At least, so far. 

Wanda hugged him, suddenly. “You’re a good friend, Steve.” Steve hugged her back, closing his eyes, and hoped he deserved that. 

* * *

Steve fell asleep late, and at first when he woke up he didn’t know why. Then he heard someone shift and sat upright, groping for the light. He turned it on, and froze. Loki was standing by the door, his head cocked slightly to the side. He looked ghostly pale and thin, and Steve’s first thought was _should you be out of bed?_

His second, which he actually said, was, “what the hell are you doing here?” Loki flinched and Steve felt a surge of absurd guilt that made him add, “should you even be up?”

One of Loki’s thin shoulders raised and then lowered. “Perhaps not.”

“But,” Steve prompted, when Loki didn’t say more. Loki glanced aside. 

“But,” he said, “based on your hasty exit I did not think you would return soon, and I thought perhaps it might be…less alarming for you if I were…in my current state.” One corner of Loki’s lips twisted up in a crooked, mirthless smile. “As for it being the middle of the night…I had to wait until there were as few eyes as possible.”

Which raised the question, Steve realized, of how Loki had slipped out without raising the alarm at all. That was the question he should ask. What he said instead was, “so you want to talk,” the suspicion in his voice clearly audible.

“It need not be a long conversation,” Loki said. His voice was startlingly quiet, compared to what Steve remembered, and looking at him Steve realized that his legs were shaking. 

“Should you sit down,” he said awkwardly. Loki blinked at him like he didn’t follow, and Steve amended, “I think you should sit down.”

Loki looked at the bed, which was the only place in the room to sit, and sat on the floor. Steve opened his mouth, then closed it. 

“I owe you,” Loki said, to his hands instead of Steve. “Thanks, and a debt. I do not…consider the latter lightly. I am aware that – whatever decision you should make with regard to my fate, I would know how I might repay you.” 

Steve stared at Loki, not sure he’d heard that right. “I’m sorry?” 

“I owe you a debt,” Loki said again, more loudly. “Whatever might come next, I would settle it.” 

Whatever might come next, Steve thought. Loki made it sound like he wasn’t planning on just taking off to do…who knew what. He wanted to ask, but if Loki hadn’t thought of leaving he didn’t want to put the idea in his head. He saw what Wanda meant, though, about _tired._ He thought of Bucky, the tense resignation on his face just before he closed his eyes, and then shoved the thought away. It seemed almost blasphemous. 

“I am aware that there is little I may offer,” Loki went on, after a pause that Steve failed to fill. “I have…little power, and few resources. I cannot imagine that you intend to let me roam free.”

Steve still couldn’t work out what to say. Loki wanted him to ask for a favor. “You want to…do something for me.” 

Loki’s shoulders twitched. “You and the witch,” he said. “You had no reason not to let me die. You especially. Her…but you know what I am capable of. And yet.”

Steve frowned. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. 

“Was it?” Loki stood, slowly. “It does not matter. I shall leave you to your rest. If you should…think of something, it is yours.”

A favor. From Loki. That felt like a trap, somehow, and a dangerous one, but at the same time…there was something oddly sincere about this. And there was an idea creeping into Steve’s head, dangerous and tempting, and maybe it had been there all along. 

He could put Loki back in a different cage. Keep him imprisoned until something changed or they all died. Or he could try to change directions. What was it Loki had said? _I cannot help but think, perhaps, if I just find the right set of actions, I can do it. The right thing_. Different paths. Different _choices._

“There’s something,” he said slowly. “Maybe.”

Loki stopped, turning back toward him. He looked almost relieved. “Name it.”

Maybe this could be good, Steve thought. Loki needed a purpose, something to keep him grounded. And if there was something he knew that might help Bucky, if they could do something that would make him safe…

“I meant it,” Steve said suddenly. “About you not deserving to be left there.”

Loki’s head jerked back, his eyebrows furrowing. “That is not a request,” he said. 

“I know,” Steve said. “But I still thought I should say it. And...sorry. For not looking into what happened to you after we turned you over. It’s not something I would have...you didn’t deserve that either.” 

Loki’s expression flickered oddly. “Didn’t I?”

“I don’t believe in retributive punishment,” Steve said, and when Loki looked at him blankly, he said, “punishment that’s just about making someone suffer for what they did. But I didn’t bother to find out what they did. And that was...I’m sorry.” 

Loki’s shoulders twitched. “Do not apologize to me, Captain. None of this is your request.” 

“No,” Steve said, squaring his shoulders and meeting Loki’s eyes. “Because for a request to be fair it has to be between equals, and I want you to work with me on something, not just do what I tell you. Deal?” 

Loki stared at him, for a long few seconds, and then the corner of his mouth ticked slightly up. “Very well,” he said. “If that is what we are. Deal.” He held out a hand, and Steve took it. Loki’s skin was still oddly cool to the touch and his grip was light. 

_Maybe,_ Steve thought.


End file.
